i heart s&m

Another one of the many reasons why my daughter Devyn is the coolest. Ever.
I wasn’t there in person, but I was here on the west coast cheering her on and being the proudest Madre. Congratulations, Bubbula! 

getrealgetright:

Sooooooooo, here’s a preview of my setup for the photo show I’m a part of, which opens this Friday at Fort Useless at 6pm!

Grey Gardens, 1972. The dining room – with all the accumulated cans of cat food. 

But look how happy she is with the cats!

Time Can Never Kill The True Heart, Stars

In my dream, my therapist in NY asks, “Who else do you have, asides from The Boy?” 

I look into her green eyes and I answer very definitively “Ikki.” 

She smiles kindly, and says, “Well, asides from The Boy and Ikki, is there any one in Portland or on the west coast with whom you’re friends, at least in an emergency?

And without too much thought, I answer very blithely, “No.”

We have traveled 2,470 miles across the country on a gut feeling that something was waiting here, that things were better here (and they are); and though I have exchanged numbers with enough creative and like-minded women, I have not yet made any attempts to form friendships on this coast. I still talk to my parents nearly every evening just to say good-night. I check my telephone at 9:30PM (when I know it’s 12:30AM) their time, and get upset that perhaps I won’t receive a call that evening. 

It has been over four months since our arrival. I often say that I do not miss the east coast, but perhaps the 37 years of me that spent my life there cannot help but mourn the life I left behind. I had family, friends and I knew I was “safe”. I think I’m allowed to do that.

Here, we are still just beginning our lives, have no friends or family close-by, and everything is a colossal question mark. Rather than huddling like abandoned kittens and crying in the rain, we have opted to remain strong. We’ve tethered both our hearts onto one anothers for extra support, so we can never get lost and we are able to navigate this life’s adventure together hand in hand.

One heart out of two
One life: me and you
One heart out of two
One life: me and you

If you can’t write clearly, you probably don’t think nearly as well as you think you do.

— Kurt Vonnegut

Do the deceased still dream?

I woke up this morning, with these two dreams still fresh in my head:

1) My mother was playing chess with a stranger (My mother does NOT even know how to play chess!) and I was trying to get her attention so I could tell her good-bye. There was some song from the 80’s, probably The Cure or The Smiths, quietly playing in the background. “Mom, I’m leaving.” But she would’t even look up at me. I turned to lower the music. “Mommy!!!” And even with the music quiet, and the using name I used to call her as a child, I was just as invisible to her.

2) I was in Chinatown pushing a stroller—who was in my care was not to my knowledge in this dream, it was simply my goal to navigate our way as safely and quickly out of these crowded streets. But it seemed as though everywhere I turned, an elderly lanky Chinese man appeared and kept trying to touch my face. I had never seen him in real life and I worried for the child as well, so I screamed each time, though no one ever come to our aid so I sped away from this mystifying creature.

It’s Okay To Take Candy From Strangers

All I can hear is an incessant tapping noise. A stealth glance reveals the source originates diagonally from us—an older gentleman with a gray scraggly beard has fixed his even grayer eyes upon us while rapping his cane upon the floor of the bus. I don’t want to appear afraid nor do I want to make eye contact with him, so I choose to look straight ahead. The rapping stops and out of the corner of my eye, I realize he’s digging in his pockets and pulls out a hardy candy and hands it to the woman sitting across from him.

“Here sweetheart, take one of these. Save it for later.” 

Almost giddy, she shoves it into her sweatshirt pocket. I am so confused yet charmed by this exchange. 

I feel his eyes fall upon us again, scrutinizing us, and he offers an appraisal, “You look real good together. I mean that in the nicest way possible.” 

We smile, our hands squeezing one another’s and we say, “Thank you!” 

He says, “Love makes the world go ‘round. It’s true!” 

We nod in agreement, our smiles growing and our hands squeezing one another’s even harder.

Then he digs in his pocket and offers us some hard candies. “You guys want some?”

We say, “Oh that’s sweet! But no thank you.” 

At the next stop, an older couple dragging a rolling piece of luggage get on. 

The older gentleman with the suitcase reaches inside his jacket and pulls out an handful of peppermint hard candies and hands them to the bearded gentleman “Take this please, Sir.”

And then turning to us, he hands us one, and says, “This one is for you to share.”

I put it in my coat pocket.

The bearded gentleman says, “Thank you! Thank you!.,” quickly stashes them away in his pocket, eagerly opens one, pops it in his mouth and unabashedly exclaims while sucking away, “These are good! You can really taste the peppermint. It’s so refreshing!”

The wife says, “Oh, they’re our favorite! They just melt in your mouth. We get them at the dollar store.”

The bearded gentleman wanting to return the kindness says, “Here let me get you back.” and hands them some butterscotch hard candies.

Upon receiving the handful of candies, the man next to us turns to us and says, “I have to share!,’ and pretends to hand us two candies, then mischievously takes away one away. “You share that one, too.” 

I put it in my coat pocket with the other piece of candy.

The bearded gentleman says to the couple, as if sharing a secret, “The ones I gave you are the closest to the true flavor of butterscotch.”

Meanwhile, he takes a Hershey’s Kiss and pops that in his mouth. ”Mmmmmm… this one is good, too. It’s a Hershey’s Kiss but it’s filled with caramel! It’s a nice surprise.”

I begin to wonder just how much candy he carries in his pocket and if he must go around exchanging candy with people on the bus.

The three affable characters chat for several minutes extolling the virtues of various candies as I sit in awe at these adults who love candy just as much as children do.

As we exit the bus, we say good-bye to everyone, I clutch the two pieces of candy from strangers and I am reminded:

1. Old people REALLY LOVE hard candy

2. The fun happens at the front of the bus

3. It’s okay to take candy from strangers

4. Love makes the world go ‘round

You Put Your Arms Around Me, Jens Lekman

What’s broken can always be fixed; what’s fixed will always be broken

Hard Believer, First Aid Kit

I just live because I love to
And that's enough you see
So don't come preach about morality
That's just human sense to me
Love is tough, time is rough 
Love is tough, time is rough
Whoaaaa on me
On me-eeee .. on me-eee ...
And it's one life and it's this life
And it's beautiful
My cousin died of leukemia 29 years ago this evening. 
I spent the morning marching with a group from Occupy Portland for Poverty Awareness 
in the new town, I've now called home for nearly 6 weeks —nearly 3,000 miles from where 
she and I had grown up. In solidarity, we marched through the streets, and I shouted at the top of my lungs, 
from the bottom of my gut and with all my heart. The poster we inherited made no mention of poverty or 
the 99%; but rather, its message was simple, "YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND SO VERY LOVED." 
I hardly think it was an accident that poster was handed to me and Ian.

 

Tell Her No - The Zombies

Tell her no no no no no-no-no-no
No no no no no-no-no-no
No no no no no